A Matter of Perspective

I have been thinking a lot lately about the issue of Down syndrome children being mentally delayed and I have accepted the fact that my son may be mentally delayed. The degree of delay, if any, remains to be seen and we will cross that bridge when we get there. For right now, that doesn't factor into how he is treated by the ones who love him and I would hope that it would not be a factor in how people treat him in the future; however, I realize that may not be the case.

But there is one question that keeps coming to mind which is what is so wrong with being mentally delayed? We often times act like it is unacceptable to be mentally slower than the majority. On the other hand, we sometimes act like it is unacceptable to be mentally faster than the majority. Do these people not enjoy life as we do? Yes, they may have to settle for more service oriented jobs with less pay and are often limited in career achievements, but is that so bad? Does being smart equal being happy in life or does being mentally slow mean a life of unhappiness?

I suggest that the answer to both questions is no. We are too often led to believe that in order for a person to be happy in life, the person needs to have x amount of education and make x amount of money, live in a nice house in an upscale neighborhood and this and that. After a while, it becomes a rat race just trying to accomplish all that we are to accomplish to be happy only to find dissatisfaction once we have "arrived".

When Joy and I first became aware that John would be born with Down syndrome, (in the first trimester of pregnancy), we both prayed that the Lord would bless us with a child able to relate with God and people. At this point in John's young life, he is very able and desiring to relate to those around him. As a matter of fact, it sometimes seems that he would rather relate than to do anything else. John draws people to him with his smiles and bright blue eyes. He has the ability to make a person smile and forget about the stresses if only for a minute.

This ability is what changes lives for the better, not the intellectual ability. Our lives have been changed forever by his ability to give love and we look forward to many years of the same. He may not graduate with honors or go to college or even learn to drive but I don't think that will stop him from showing love to those he meets.



...sometimes it seems that he has a better understanding of the priorities of life than I do.

I Guess I Just Don't Get It

Lately, there has been a lot of hype over the use of the word 'retard', and I guess either I just don't get what all the fuss is over or my child is not old enough yet for it to affect me. Either way, it seems to me that we sometimes create issues for ourselves that doesn't need to be which I have been guilty many times. It does seem that the stronger we feel about a certain issue, the more we are easily offended by people who abuse the subject whether it be mental or physical retardation, social issues, or politics.

People have been misusing words for years now. This is partly because of ignorance and partly to aggravate and get a rise out of people. I have been a party to this in my past as I am sure most people have at one point in life. And to be honest, my motive was to get a rise out of people, for shock value, to get attention which is what I usually got.

I realize that this word is highly offensive to parents with children who are indeed delayed (which is what the word really means anyway), but there are also many other words that are just as offensive to other groups of people.

I guess it just depends upon what 'group' you are in that determines which words offend you. Yes, the word 'retard' offends me, just like the word 'goddamn', calling people 'assholes', and using the 'F' word offend me. But the way that I have learned to deal with offensive words over the years is the way that I have dealt with offensive people over the years - 1)politely let them know how their choice of words offends me and to ask them to refrain from use of those words while around me, 2)if the use of words does not stop, then I will usually stop my association with that person. This is the way that I have taught my kids to respond to people who use words in an offensive way and this is how I will teach John to respond.

I have found that the people who really want to be my friend will respond positively to my pointing it out to them while others just couldn't care less. And it is the people who couldn't care less that are in it merely for the shock value so why should I continue to give them ammunition by letting them get to me.

Sure, I would like to live in a world where there is no offensive language used but honestly, there are just some people in this world, and I admit that I am one of them sometimes who do not care or think if we offend people or not with our speech.

Ignorance and insensitivity of people is not worth making me unhappy - there is too much of both in the world for that.

Motivated By The Relationship

During this past 6 months, I have noticed many differences between John and our other children. But the one that has caught my attention the most is what motivates them to learn new things like talk, eat, smile, laugh, etc. I realize that all children are different and is naturally motivated differently, but what I am talking about is while they are babies.

Looking back on the first years of my other children, it seemed as if they were on auto-pilot. Milestones came and went with no intervention needed - just the opportunity. They even seemed to make sure they had opportunity with wanting to be put down on the floor or crying (loudly I might add) when they needed a new diaper or wanted to be fed.

John seems to learn just as much as my others did, just at a different pace and also with more encouragement. Whether we are at church, school or at home with his siblings, he definitely comes to life when others interact with him. This type of interaction seems to energize him to press on and keep going. Whereas if I lay him down and go off to do my other work, he often times goes on to sleep and will sleep half the day. I know that this is ok periodically, but it makes me think that I couldn't afford to do that to him on a daily basis.

I have also noticed that John would rather relate to people than to sleep or eat; I guess he is too afraid that he will miss out on something. For example, if we are feeding him and someone walks into the room or if he catches a glimpse of someone behind him, he will stop eating and turn in his Bumbo Chair to see who it is and stare at them until they talk with him. We started out feeding him in an empty room so he would have no distractions, but now we are purposely feeding him with the whole family present so he will learn to focus while other things are going on.

He is truly a very relational baby and we love him that way. He is so full of love and smiles that people can't help but speak to him or hold him when they are near him. This will be the character trait that sets John apart from others - his ability to speak to the heart without really saying a word.

Relationships - they are wonderful gifts that changes lives forever.